Cook's Delight

Penny Smythe
was seeing wasps all over
in her kitchen
in her bedroom too
perhaps there was a wasp nest
in the rafters
she thought she'd have
a shufti, like you do

She got out the loft ladder
and went up there
replaced the cover
so if she did see
more wasps they could
not get into the whole house
But her boyfriend let himself
in with his key

only to be asked by
a blonde neighbour
to borrow the loft ladder
because she
had a leak and asked that
he might look at it
so he took the ladder
and he went to see

Penny found there was a
massive wasps nest
a huge great ball and
wasps were everywhere
she didn't want more coming down
into her rooms so she
thought she'd leave
but the ladder wasn't there

She didn't know that her boyfriend
had just taken it
and couldn't jump the 8 feet
or so she
didn't want to stay up there with
all those wasps, but didn't
have her mobile tragically

Meanwhile the blonde was making
him a cup of tea
and bourbon biscuits
giving him the eye
Whilst Penny was in Hell
with all those horrid wasps
the leak was fixed
and small talk did apply

Clearly there was some
mutual attraction
the Earl Grey and the
bourbon biscuits still
he said goodbye and returned home
with the ladder
to find his girlfriend
now wanting to kill

him "where have you been?
you dopey blighter"
"why did yer take the ladder
couldn't yer see"?
I was up here
looking to see if we had wasps
and my lifeline
you just took it from me"

And now look I've got 3 stings
I'm in panic
In pain so where'd you
take the ladder too?
I went across the street
to see that blonde girl
"oh making eyes at her
The things you do!

No! she had a leak
she saw me come here
she asked me if I'd go
and have a look
I saw the ladder
in the hall
the cover on the ceiling
I thought you were
in the kitchen
so I took

it over, and she
gave me tea and biscuits
Oh! you've enjoyed yourself
whilst I've been here
being chased by umpteen
blooming waspies
I couldn't jump 8 feet
so it was clear

You were making whoopee
with that blonde tart
and I was going through
6 pangs of Hell
I didn't know that you
were up there Penny
Thats a likely story
kiss and tell

whats a man to do
to help a maiden, in distress
she clearly asked me to
and all the while
my Penny was stuck
in the loft
being chased by wasps
without a clue

I'll never live it down
for the next 40 years
that will come up
you can bet your life
that blonde knows how to
treat a man
Earl Grey and Bourbon biscuits
that I have to say
is my kind of wife

(Inspired by something Kate said who works
at Cooks Delight on Saturdays)